In a stunning announcement during an Albany High School teacher conference, assistant principal Kevin Goines said former AHS student and rapper, Lil B, will return to AHS as the new AP Music Theory teacher. AP Music Theory is being added to the list of classes offered in the 2016/17 year.
According to sources, Lil B will be taking an unconventional approach to teaching AP Music Theory. First, students will be asked to refer to him as “The Based God.” Second, he does not allow students to eat in class unless they are eating wonton soup. He will also be having a “Sick Beats and Deep Thoughts” rap workshop every Friday. Last, attending his educational concerts will result in extra credit.
Originally, Craig Bryant, renowned AHS music teacher, was going to teach AP Music Theory. This changed last week when Bryant went on his annual juice diet, in which he restricts himself from eating solid food — just like any other year. The difference this time was that he let his anger get to him, yelling harshly at two students during a recital. This resulted in his being put on temporary administrative leave.
“This was no surprise for many of us,” said music student and AHS sophomore Scott Fong. “Every year he goes on this juice diet and becomes crankier than an infant without his mom.”
Most students seem to be extremely excited for the arrival of Lil B.
“I don’t see how the Based God is going to teach me how to play the harmonica, but if I can eat wonton soup in class I won’t mind him as a teacher. The administration should be telling Lil B, ‘Thank you Based God,’” said senior saxophonist Dylan Hayton-Ruffner.
“Yeah! There is no way my mixtape won’t be fire if Based God is my teacher,” said DJ Party Rock, otherwise known as AHS junior Yatin Sharma.
Through Instagram, the rapper also explained that he was a feminist and posted a picture showing his support for Democratic presidential contender Bernie Sanders.
With his unconventional ideas, Lil B brings swagger, pure talent, and critical thinking to Albany High School. Stay positive during your short break, Craig Bryant. As Based God would say: “Buttcheeks, we all have them, but we all take them for granted as well. Be happy you can comfortably sit down right now.” Thank you, Based God.